Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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