onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
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