I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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