i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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