my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I booty called her while she was in labor.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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