It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
