If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
