i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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