i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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