she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Randomize
