My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
