New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
