i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
