well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
