Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
