yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
