Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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