i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
