It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
