I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Let's paint friendship bongs
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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