there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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