You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
