Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
