im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
