For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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