You're my little dorito
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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