Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
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