I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
