Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
