How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
