So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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