please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
