he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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