I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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