barbara walters just said penis...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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