dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
