right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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