I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
