I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
My balls are so social today.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
