I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
