she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Are we still banned from the library?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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