You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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