i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
