nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
