u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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