I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Drake has all the answers
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
