How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
