I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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