so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
