You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
