then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I think people are normalizing furries
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
