I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
