Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
