God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Just invented taco cereal.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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