Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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