mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
