My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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