So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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