I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
